.some things never fade.

newness.

2009-04-21T19:14:00.000-06:00

http://evanescentripple.blogspot.com/

statue only.

2009-02-28T23:38:00.002-07:00

Take my coledust hands, and wash them soft again.

Put your fingers over my pearlish eyes, and return the vibrant again.

Reach into my cold chest, and melt the heart in your hands.

Breathe on me.
And I will live again.

tired thoughts...

2009-01-16T01:11:00.002-07:00

I'm glad that sometimes I cant hold myself together.
That as much as I wish to be perfect, there are many wounds on my heart that I am unable to heal.
What would I do in those times when they are being pointed out one by one, if I did not believe in a Lord that understands how I feel, and works all things out for His glory.
Even my complete brokenness is useful to Him.

Sometimes I look to the sky and long to return home. How could any human being not experience such feelings, with the knowledge that they belong with a glorious and perfect God, in a place free of all traces of evil or pain?
It's difficult not to dream of the sun and its warmth, when you find yourself someplace comparatively dark and cold.

I havent forgotten to which I was called, yet...I dont think I have fully realized it either.

I'm glad that He isnt done with me yet.

Kelly-Anne

2008-12-22T12:57:00.003-07:00

A game of setting itunes to "random" and answering questions.
Always good to entertain.

_______________________________________________

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY...
“Stay” - Rex Goudie

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
“On the way down” - Ryan Cabrera
(Well...no. Not at all!)

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
“Sweet Surrender” - Sarah McLachlan
(This fits well)

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
“Hidden Track” - D’Arcy Watcham
(Strange, but this fits in a way as well)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
“O Come, O Come Emmanuel” - Enya
(Indeed.)

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
“This Time” - Vanessa Carlton
(Kind of...ya.)

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
“How Sweet It Is” - Michael Buble
(Not sure where this is going..)

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
“Glory Defined” - Building 429
(True.)

WHAT IS 2 + 2?
“Life After Death and Taxes” - Relient K
(hahaha..)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
“Game Over” - Joal Kamps
(Talk about harsh :p This one doesnt make sense at all.)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
“Everything’s Beautiful” - Adam
(mmhmm.)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
“White Flag” - David Usher
(Mostly this is right.)

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
“Bite My Tongue” - Relient K
(...)

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
“Angel” - Sarah McLachlan
(Why yes :p)

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?.
“Come, Oh Redeemer, Come” - Fernando Ortega
(lol...ouch.)

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
“Hindi Sad Diamonds” - Nicole Kidman
(umm...weird. That wouldnt really be appropriate.)

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
“Rebirthing” - Skillet
(Creepy a little bit...but okay :s)

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
“The Best Thing” - Relient K
(Of course)

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
“Gerudo Valley” - Koji Kondo
(This ones going to take some thought...)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
“We Are One Tonight” - Switchfoot

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
“Keepsake” - Contrived
(...)

HOW WILL YOU DIE?
“Down In Flames” - Reliant K
(AH!...ohhhhh.. :( )

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
“Take It All Away” - Ryan Cabrera
(?..)

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
“Come Right Out And Say It” - Relient K
(Sometimes. Usually.)

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
“No Air” - Jordin Sparks
(This is true.)

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
“Better Than Drugs” - Skillet
(Ah...yes...it would be..?)

DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
“Breakdown” - Relient K
(That explanes it well actually..)

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
“Ammunition” - Switchfoot
(yes.)

WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
“Maintain Consciousness” - Relient K
(Kind of...I wouldnt explain it quite like that though..)

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
“Kelly- Anne” - Kinetic North

WHAT DO YOU VALUE THE MOST?
“Building a Mystery” - Sarah McLachlan

wings...

2008-12-01T01:12:00.002-07:00

My hearts growing wings again...
Pinned to its sides by the tight enclosure of my chest.
But I can feel them, pushing the sides, making their request and purpose known.

What would I give to buy a ticket to a country I've never known, pack a backpack and
travel the world for a year.
This is my play dream. One I've had for a long time though...
one that I am unwilling to give up.
Working, living, moving on.
Taking pictures, making memories.

Turn your life into a missions trip.

Why not?

Was not the world meant to be seen and enjoyed by those that dwell here?
Was it not all created for God's glory?

For now my heart flies in photographs, but one day...may it not be hindered by a frame.

scattered thoughts...and something new and pretty.

2008-11-27T01:39:00.004-07:00

So many blogs have been left to collect dust...
I've read the same page over and over for lack of something new from a mind I miss.
I know what its like, so lest my page also go to seed....here is something new.
* * *
* * * * *
* * * *
The stars I watched until late last night,
searching for answers in their twinkling light. * *
Silent as ever, then were they, * * *
Until each light vanished in new day.

No answer they gave me,
No ear to my plee, * * *
No words of sweet wisdom,
to substitute thee.
* * * *
But for one brief moment,
I flew free in the stars.
Unbound by the pain,
and unchained to the scars.

*** ** ** * * * *

There are some things in life that are worth great pain.
Some things that for your own good, have to be dwelt with. Other times sacrificing yourself is
all that can be done at the time....
Some pains can be chosen, some foreseen, others we take at the time they are sprung upon us, and some we cant.
Still others are simply better left alone.
There are things in life worth fighting for, and many times fighting means pain.
But part of life too, is learning to choose your battles carefully...
No one likes to be hurt. I know I dont, and I'm pretty sure you dont either. Usually people dont like causing others hurt either.
Good then, that there is a God of wisdom to guide me around, or through these things.
I need to look to Him more...
there is so much that I cant do on my own.

2008-09-24T12:48:00.002-06:00

My worlds turned upside down.
Watching the sunset rise over a raining ocean.
I couldnt be happier sitting here watching it all with you, though.
Where did you come from..?
It's cute how you try so hard to hide your wings...
when the halo glows so bright.

Hold my hand and I'll never let you go.

I'm here to stay.

times hands keep moving on...

2008-08-02T21:03:00.002-06:00

It's been so long since I've written anything on here...
anything even close to an update on my life.
Now that I have the time and means to so, I find that there is a great deal to tell. So much so that finding the proper beginning is difficult...

Creation testifies to a creator so loudly when I'm quiet and just listen. It's been changing to always be surrounded by it. To be able, when my mind is buzzing with lists and people, thought and ideas, to stop, stand still, close my eyes and listen.
The sound of wind brushing past leaves and sturring the trees, is sometimes the definition of calm. In that time, everything rushing in my mind seems to be slowed and carefully rearanged, placed in order.
Reset.
I can start again.
Open my eyes and continue walking.

I have been given some great people to share in my days also while being here.
Good friends that have come to visit from back home, and some from other places...some new, or newly defined.

My thirst for learning new things has been continually satisfied. Sometimes to the point of overflowing, but its so good.
Part of me is sad that its going to be over soon. That come September I'll have to leave this place and these people. But it has also made me excited, for whats in store for the future. God is not limited to the mountains, though they shine His majesty as with the setting sun. Nor is He void from the cities. Just visable in different ways. And I am excited to find them.

bedtime state from my heart...

2008-05-25T01:36:00.002-06:00

My eyes are closing, slowly, as my mind tells me that they have been open for far too long...but this page has been left on a sad note for too many days. Life isn't like that now, nor has it been since. God has been doing some great and awesome things here in the Crowsnest Pass, and He's been doing some small and slightly more inconspicuous things as well.
How amaizing is it, that the God of the universe held back the rain while we hiked these past three days..? How merciful is He, that He has made His involvement known to me. Who am I? nothing worth notice. But who is He..? Words could not hold enough meaning, even if you were to pour them out on paper for days without rest. Never could you capture all He is.
Praise be to His name for His very nature. And for all He's doing here. For the things I can see, and for all I know that I cant.

2008-05-03T20:19:00.002-06:00

I feel...lonely.
And the thing about being lonely, is you cant really talk to anyone about it.
There are people all around me, and I'm in a place I truely do love. But sometimes...sometimes...
Do you ever feel like your just not good enough for anyone..?
Not worth listining to...or worth wanting to intentionally be around...
I guess everyone feels that way sometimes. I just feel like typing out what no one really wants to hear tonight, thats all.

How do you change to be more consistant with others, without changing who you've always been? I feel torn. I dont want to change who I am, so much so that I wouldnt for anyone. It wouldnt be worth it. But in the words of others...
I'm intimidating and quiet. The eqivilant of hanging a caution sign around my neck it seems...

I'm thanking God for telling someone to tape this poster here on the office wall.

"...but I will not forget you...I have inscribed you on the palm of my hand..."
(Isaiah 49: 15,16)

What a God. Always encouraging us in the most unexpected ways.
I think I'll go spend some time with him now.
Signing out.

2008-04-25T15:38:00.002-06:00

I'm packed. Maybe thats why I dont believe I'm going anywhere...
My exam is behind me know. Everything is set to bid me farewell for a while, and still I dont understand yet what everything else seems to see as plain as day. Only three days remain until I go, and if your tired of reading my continuously updated countdown thats okay, to be honest, so am I.
Just trying to convince myself seems silly and pointless. There's nothing really to gain, it'll be clear enough when I'm finally unpacking my things into the cabin that will be my simple home.
Camp is different to me now then it was before...what kind of effect will that have?

Shake your head,
clear the clouds from that place.
Dont worry about days your eyes cant see.

I'm excited.

the key.

2008-04-23T10:39:00.002-06:00

8For this thing I besought the Lord thrice,
that it might depart from me.

9And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee:
for my strength is made perfect in weakness.
Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities,
that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

10Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities,
in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions,
in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak,
then am I strong. *

* * * * * * * * * *
My heart longs to reach a point of such faith and understanding as this.
Who am I to only be thankful for the things I consider to be good? Was not all that I cant see
or understand bought with that precious blood...

* * * * * * * * * * *
3And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also:
knowing that tribulation worketh patience;

4And patience, experience; and experience, hope:

5And hope maketh not ashamed;
because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts
by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us. **

* * * * * * * * * * * *
20I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I,
but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh
I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me. ***

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Putting to death all that separates me.
That is the key.
Not once,
but every moment I breathe.

* 2 Corinthians 12:8-10
** Romans 5:3-5
*** Galatians 2:20

2008-04-19T10:32:00.002-06:00

The days are counting down.
Honestly I dont know what I expect from this chapter to my life. Do my expectations include being pushed beyond the gossamer bubble I'm living in now..? Probably. As different surroundings often habit doing.
Will it be an adventure? Highly likely. Where who I am will find itself falling in love with the beauty of creation, as it always does. Such a safe thing to fall in love with...maybe thats why it's so easy to be completely captivated by it. Unhindered by the small red note in the back of my mind that forewarns of the possibility of pain, or no return. The effect of a fallen world I suppose...
I've found it difficult to listen to that note in the past...something I dont altogether regret, but it's so soothing when it's just not there to ignore.
The excitement to no longer just look at the mountains from the ridge on my way home from work, but to live in them, is building. Being surrounded by them, an attestant to the majesty of God. What an amazing reminder.
I wont be the only one there, so each of the others will undoubtedly play a part in this adventure as well. But their characters are yet undefined. So much to be written. Eager anticipation to the time when ink is finally committed to paper.

2008-04-02T11:55:00.002-06:00

Memories are such wondrous things...
They can make you laugh, or make you cry...
Make your heart break with missing someone.
Such a special gift.

Bitter sweet,
but special none-the-less.

a post in two parts.

2008-03-10T22:05:00.003-06:00

I'm tired...and really I should be sleeping...
But I have five minutes and fingers that want to type out some of whats going on in my head.
If only for my own reference later on.

What is a waisted life?
I feel like in a lot of ways it's what I've been living...
Based on the way I immediately want to justify my life's purpose.
Time for change...again.
Life is full of changes. Small changes. Alterations to the way I play my day out....

And some large changes that alter how I'll view the rest of my life.
This is one question that has the very real possibility of being the latter.

I'm really hoping so.

kindred spirits...

2008-02-25T20:15:00.004-07:00

Well, I'm sick and to simple things like reading and writing...so what better time to write a poem :)

.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

Bright star your light shone forth to man,
A brilliant beginning without thought to an end.

Arms reaching out to the heavens around,
A safe place for the dreams of those here on the ground.

Bright shadow paving a way through the dark,
The bitter chill that takes hold of earthenware hearts.

Your light shone a warmth without thought for it's fade,
And harkened the sun before daybreak was made.

Your numbers been seen, and now homeward your bound,
Seemingly cruel to those left without reassuring sound.

But even with your last seconds flare,
You give a silent reminder to the remaining presence of care.

The slow discension, vanishing hence,
Leaves our sight forever but rises to a different sense.

Taking your place beside those come before,
Watching again the days lived once more.

Resting in peace till the second call sound,
Viewing those who kneel brokenhearted to your ground,
Silently providing them who visit,
with what comfort can be found.

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.

I had an specific idea in mind when I wrote this, but sometimes when the idea has already planted itself firmly in your vision, it's hard to know if what you've written paints the picture without all the parts you've taken for granted...
Here's hoping the painting is complete.

dreams...

2008-02-18T10:38:00.002-07:00

Dreams are strange things...
Sometimes they vanish as our eyes open in the morning, sometimes only leaving shreds behind to implore the mind into wondering what it was really about...or they are overridden all together. Leaving no trace at all.
But other times, as rare as they might be, they remain just as vivid in your minds eye long after you've woken to the day.

The latter of these types happened this morning. Though my eyes were open, there was something about what had happened that kept me rethinking what I could remember of it.
A man I didnt know, (maybe I cant call it that...though it resembled one, it had abilities that wernt human.) had taken some of the people in my life that I care about and hidden them away somewhere secret. They wernt safe. I knew this by the way I felt I had to find them without wasting any time.
This man gave me clues that I had to follow to find them again. Sometimes in person, vanishing after they were given, or in little things, pictures, notes, ect. But there were rules to this too. Things we were both bound by.
He could not kill me, or some of the people he held captive. As I could not kill him. The game was between he and I only. No one else could be involved. This rule didnt really matter however, because no matter how many people I might have tried to employ to help me, they would not have understood or been able to see the clues. This was between me and him.

There were a lot of details...things like how he could cause detractions, or promise things should I give up my passion to find them. Shallow things he could grant instantly.
It's strange...but at the time I knew it was Satan, the same way I knew the people I loved wernt safe.
It was an unexpected illustration to how serious my battle is with him, and how I dont always fight with passion against him, but take the shallow things he offers instead...

It's vitally important to keep its seriousness in mind. Even though this was just a dream, it doesnt seem unreasonably close to what I know of the reality of what it was mimicking...

such a strange thing...

2008-02-05T11:59:00.000-07:00

It's funny how sometimes what we've always known, can be such a comfort, and also dictate how we handle our futures.
Or how sometimes the steps we take forward are so different from those that remain behind.
They served their purpose for the time, they led the way here...

I'm not really sure where I'm going with this. Nothing profound, it's just been something on my mind for this last week or so.

Do we love things we dont understand? I think we can. But sometimes I wonder how this can be so.

wide open spaces.

2008-01-25T21:55:00.000-07:00

You got to leave me now, you got to go alone
You got to chase a dream, one that's all your own
Before it slips away
When you're flying high, take my heart along
I'll be the harmony to every lonely song
That you learn to play

When you're soaring through the air
I'll be your solid ground
Take every chance you dare
I'll still be there
When you come back down
When you come back down

I'll keep looking up, awaiting your return
My greatest fear will be that you will crash and burn
And I won't feel your fire
I'll be the other hand that always holds the line
Connecting in between your sweet heart and mine
I'm strung out on that wire

And I'll be on the other end, To hear you when you call
Angel, you were born to fly, And if you get too high
I'll catch you when you fall
I'll catch you when you fall

[Bridge:]
Your memory's the sunshine every new day brings
I know the sky is calling
Angel, let me help you with your wings

When you're soaring through the air
I'll be your solid ground
Take every chance you dare

I'll still be there
When you come back down.
Take every chance you dare,
I'll still be there
When you come back down
When you come back down.

{ 'When you come back down' by Nickel Creek }

a different shade of gray.

2008-01-20T14:32:00.000-07:00

Sometimes life isnt all it's cut out to be.
Today kinda feels like one of those days...like all I want to do is go home, because that would be so much easier then dealing with my battles. But then a small voice whispers in my ear that that would be running away in disloyalty to the one I love.

There's a sunrise behind the clouds, so it's my place to keep walking until it may choose to shine again.
The strength to do so, will be no more my own then the light on the path before me...and it's in this I find
peace again.

"Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual[a] act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you. Just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man's gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his[b]faith. If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully.
Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good."
(Romans 12: 1-9)

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.
(Romans 12: 12)

2007-12-13T13:25:00.000-07:00

life is accumulative.

2007-12-11T10:25:00.000-07:00

Have you ever wanted to write something...
something that would explain how you feel, or where you are in life?
Have you ever wanted to write your own story, only to realize that for all your want, you really cant.
Because you wouldn't know how.
Not that you wouldn't know where to begin, of course you would, you were there after all.
But that, for now, you cant write like you could about then, because your here, now. And though its at the most vivid point, because of it, you wont see how things were connected, or why you really felt the way you did until afterwards. Even then perhaps it wont make perfect sense, but all the things that contribute to blurring simple fact will have cleared away.
Things, times, events, all have a way of becoming more clear once time has set them.

Years from now I might not remember this day. Nothing really special happened here.
But it will have played its part, if only in the small things that were learned today that will set the foundation for others to come, and in the small joys that caused me to praise God for them.

Life is accumulative, so also is it short and unpredictable.

"I expect to pass through this world but once. Any good, therefore, that I can do, or any kindness I can show to any fellow creature, let me do it now. Let me not defer or neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again."

-Stephen Grellet (1773-1855)

courage.

2007-12-08T09:29:00.000-07:00

Some of you might know this already, but there is something about needles that quavers my courage.
The idea of a sharp, thin, sliver of cold metal being submerged under my skin is in no way appealing to me,
but especially when its in the soft unprotected skin of my inner arm. To me it would be the same were they to target
the sensitive skin in the arch of the foot. Not pleasant. Not pleasant at all...

Even watching it happen to other people makes me flinch...
In the first x-man movie, when Wolverine is rescued and taken unconscious back to the school, where he's monitored, he suddenly wakes feeling trapped and tries to get away. In doing so he rips free of his I.V. and not until he's out in the hallway does he pull the needle from his arm. *cold shiver* I cant imagine doing either of those things with the same poise.
It makes me wonder how many people watch that same clip of film, and experience absolutely no effect.
It's one of those times that your glad everyone was made so different. Just imagine if everyone felt as I do!
And yet...I have a confession to make. Despite all I've just explained...I am willfully going to experience this very thing, today at noon. Strange, I know.
I cant really explain it, except that I have a rare blood type, and comparatively, my thankfulness for not being in desperate need of that blood is stronger then the ordeal of giving it.
It's so intricate that we can help one another in this way.

simple, uncomplicated.

2007-12-02T11:37:00.000-07:00

Let the motions linger.
Everything freeze-frames,
and the single thought remains.
Who am I to live like this...?
What could I ever have done,
to deserve this.
Waking again, to warmth and the sounds of feet
pitter-pattering on the floor about my ceiling.
Knowing that they belong to the ones I am aloud
to love so dearly...
Going upstairs to join them, and enjoying the
splendor of a beautiful sunrise, painted with a majesty
that could never be matched, and being allowed to know
where it came from.
Being able to hold in my hand a small leather bound book,
freely able to open and read, and have my life renewed
each new day. To be changed and formed, corrected and loved...
Who am I to live like this...?
It seems like logic, but really this question is all wrong...
It's not about me.

Who is He, that I may live like this.

If my blessings abound like this, then it is only by His mercy
that it is so. For I have never, could never, have earned even the
least of these.
Should I have been given all eternity to try.

May my thanks resound in how my life is lived out, for there
is nothing else that I have to offer.

rest, oh my soul...

2007-10-30T17:12:00.000-06:00

Sometimes, sometimes...the most wonderful way to enjoy life...
is to stand still.

Come with me.

Heaven and earth are nothing alike, or so I've been told...
But I dont remember heaven, or its streets of gold.

But I know of a place that can take your breath...
the scent of it beckons a welcome to death.

If death would mean breaking us free from this broken ground...
The wish to return is not an unknown sound.

*******

A quiet, soft balcony, elevated as if ever created for this night.
The world stretches and winds its way away from here,
to a place where the earth and sky seem to touch and meet in a hazy band.
The sun is drawing long shadows, as it breathes the last of its warmth
over a world delighted and made alive by its short presents.
The oranges and pinks give way to the velvet night. Shyly revealing its sparkling
beauty, one jewel at a time.
Silently it clears away the remaining daylight, to look upon the world with
a dazzling endless depth of its own.

2007-10-16T13:19:00.000-06:00

hope. because without it...life is empty.

2007-10-02T09:44:00.000-06:00

So hold your head up high and know it's not the end of the road
Walk down this beaten path before you pack your things and head
home
At the end of the road you'll find what you've been longing for

I know 'cause my feet have the scars to show
I was lost with vague direction and no place to call home

It's time for you to press on
This is not your war
Set your sights to North and press on
This is not your escape
Wash away what they thought of you
Because in this place, we're all as good as dead
...end cycle...

Behind the mask you'll find yourself alone
It's not the end of road for you

*These arent my own lyrics.
It's a song by Underoath called "To Whom It May Concern".
Most times their style, though talented, is to rough for my enjoyment. But lyrics to songs like this
are usually well worth reading.

And maybe I find different things encouraging...but this song is one of them.
I hope you can enjoy it too.

lementations.

2007-09-27T12:33:00.000-06:00

Remember my afflictions and my wanderings...

the wormwood and the gall...

My soul continually remembers it

and is bowed down within me.

But this I call to mind,

and therefore I have hope:

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases,

his mercies never come to an end;

they are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness.

"The Lord is my portion," says my soul,

"therefore I will hope in him."

The Lord is good to those who wait for him,

to the soul who seeks him.

snapshots of where i've been.

2007-09-08T13:24:00.000-06:00

A shot from Main-street during a break/excursion.

Different break. Different company. Different reasons to bring me there.

Yes. Graffiti can be beautiful.

Tail end of a stunning sunset that capped a blessed day.

Anticipation.

My favorite photo.

A solo adventure that took me exactly where I needed to be.

claims to my heart.

2007-08-15T07:25:00.000-06:00

These are three that hold claims to my heart.

Three that I loved the moment I saw.
Three that I would live and die for, without a moments thought.
Three that I enjoy listening to tails of their days, and yes dear brother, even when its late :)
Three that I would protect. Always.
Three that enjoy taking my hands, as we find adventures in imaginary lands.
Three that know how to melt my heart, and make my day with their works of art.
Three that I've cried for missing at night, and three I've worried for being out of my sight.
Three I'd stand up for even if they were wrong, and three that hear me sing any song.
Three to me that God has blessed, and three for which I forfeit rest.
Three that bring me joys to keep, and three that I pray thanks for before I sleep.

These are the three for which I speak.

.Evan Alexander Joseph.
*Robin Christina Anne Elise*
'Jorden Michael Gabriel'

time out.

2007-08-06T13:17:00.000-06:00

wayward expectations.

2007-07-16T16:41:00.000-06:00

Beautiful sunshine lighting a beautiful world of green....life.
It's kind of funny how spending one single week within the peaceful quiet of the mountains can put life into perspective.
Coming home, I feel so privileged with my life, and yet so deeply unsettled...feeling like how I'm living here at home somehow isnt good enough.

Living at camp is like living in a bubble. Most of the people living and working at a bible camp tend to be Christians. Thus, being a Christian myself, seeing God in their interactions isnt very hard. It's an encouraging atmosphere of mutual building up. Individual productivity is also usually heightened because thats what it takes for a camp to run smoothly...cant life be like this too? Cant coming home be like this too..?

I never want to be so wrapped up in things, so wrapped up in blind city that I cant see my purpose.
I never want it, and yet it happens so easily all on its own...

By incorporating some of what seems to be the more prominent aspects of camp life, I hope to alter my home life to be as much of a reflection of God as camp is.

My hope, in some ways, is out of desperation. I need God.
And that means taking him with me.

sunshine and spiders webs.

2007-07-02T13:11:00.000-06:00

This weekend my heart felt like it had returned home...I guess that's my "happy place".

It happens every time I go back to the mountains. It doesn't matter where I am in my mind or in my busy life, the beauty of them always captures my full attention. It's not just the mountains either. The lakes, streams and wild flowers, camp fires, listening to the songs of birds...not that some of these things dont exist within the boundaries of the city I live in...it's just that so often other things can interfere with that perfect peace...the honk of an unseen frustrated driver on their busy way, or chatting of people about materialistic things, all remind me that I'm not too far away.

This weekend I spend some time writing in a hammock situated in a gazebo, that was situated in a forest that was nestled at the base of the mountains. I loved it.
I sat there as the sunset bathed the mountain peaks in gold and orange as the light faded. Listening to the rustling of a light breeze and the birds as their contented songs bid the day farewell...
It was such a refreshing thing. To get away from all the materialistic things that I hold so tightly to without even realizing until I'm brought back to all thats really needed. I truly believe that God gave us everything we needed when he made this world. We just used it to build something comparatively bland out of convenience.
City life can be blinding. Dulling the eyes and senses into complacency...

I think thats why we enjoy music so much. Its our inner-city link with that original beauty. It doesnt really matter where you are, a acoustic guitar and a passionate voice can take people to a place of peace in their own minds before continuing on their way.

Thats why I'm learning violin. It can transport that beauty without the need of a voice :)

When you get the chance...go on a hike out past the city limits somewhere. When you get there, let it in. Let it clear your head and fill your eyes and heart with the majesty and beauty.

If your a believer, then accredit the artist.
If your not, consider that maybe what your seeing and what your feeling is due to someone that loves you more then makes sense by our human standards. All you have to do is ask Him. He's been waiting your whole life to hear those words.

"The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with your spirit, brothers [and sisters]. Amen."

peace.

2007-06-26T08:28:00.000-06:00

I feel peaceful lately. Like this verse has settled into a truth in my soul:

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither hight nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
(Romans 8:38-39)

I dont have much more then this to say this time....but I pray that this settles into your heart as well.

God is so much more then we like to place in little labeled boxes.

2007-06-13T10:59:00.000-06:00

I think everyone should write a five hour exam at least once in life.

I think I have a better understanding now of my dog feels as she runs around happily
after she's done her bath. Happy to be alive kind of feeling :)

I'm so blessed in life. This was another reoccurring realization, I know, but its a wonderful reminder.
I'm in a situation favorable to obtain a higher level of education if I so choose, work nearly where ever I would want to, I have a great family that I love dearly!...for instance. Just last-night I decided to take advantage of the beautiful weather and go for a walk before the sun went down, because I'm reading Romans this week and hadent yet that day, I took my bible with me. Shortly after this plan of mine was reached, my two brothers decided that they were going to join me! I'm always excited when my siblings take an interest in the bible, so I felt very thrilled that they would take the initiative to join me like that.
Their both so clever too...always bringing me joy with their antics :) All in all, the evening was great and I was thankful to have been able to enjoy it.

My sister often would join in on random outings such as this one. She would have come on this one, had she not needed to
get up early this morning. Always so responsible and looking ahead that one, and oh so precious to me :)
She's so cute, always asking me to give her piggyback rides home at the end of the night. I can hardly say no, haha, even
though I know my back will hurt when I wake up the next morning, it doesnt matter. It's my pleasure.
In some ways I belong to them. I would do anything for them...it's crazy how you can love someone so much that the cost isnt even considered. Crazy maybe only because the rest of the world seems to revolve on the importance of cost.

I'm able to learn a beautiful musical instrument that I enjoy very much, able to talk and pray freely with people on pubic streets and buildings without fear...monday night was a blessing for this. I was able to have a deeper conversation with a friend of mine as we rode the c-train home together that night. That in itself was refreshing because we havent had such a conversation in a while, and it was something that I had been missing more then I realized.
But when we reached our stop, we got off and prayed together for a while before parting ways for the night. It was great!
reminded me that I really need to do that more often...not just "should" but that I actually NEED to. Regardless of any insecurities or fears that I have...in fact, in part, I suppose that strengthens the need.

hmm...:)
I just found out that I got 25.5 out of 30 for the written part of the exam I took yesterday.
God is good. My heart is full with thankfulness.

“If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!”- Luke 11:13

2007-05-21T10:46:00.000-06:00

the trip to city.

------

painted eyes on painted faces,
derelict hearts in everyday places.

searching,
for the one thing that can't be lost.
tell me friend,
to what extent and what will it cost.

wondering far with wounds
that go deep,
you've forgotten home, the only place
you could ever sleep.

different shapes for the emptiness,
sure you'll find one that fits.
All the while father back home sits.

waiting.
always waiting.

he sent a dear one to find you,
and lead you home.
who loved you enough to die to
see the mission done.

------

how deep the fathers love for you,
how vast beyond all measure.
that he would send his chosen one,
to heal your scars and call you treasured.

you were never forgotten.

2007-05-14T10:17:00.000-06:00

Yesterday I met a man.
Long graying hair on a head covered by a brimmed hat as weathered as his face and clothing.
Somehow his eyes didnt match though...bright and clear.
Though the appearance wasnt anything out of the ordinary of one that carries his home on his back, there was something in those eyes. Beyond the lines of passed and present chains...though I've never before seen the eyes of God, I believe there was a resemblance there.
An image that formed the words in my mind "whenever you serve evan the least of these, you serve me."

Each and every person I see is a child of God, regardless of the state of their relationship with him.

It is my prayer that today you would be given an opportunity to serve God through one of His children.

2007-05-12T17:40:00.000-06:00

Today's beautiful weather was enjoyed with my family in the form of a hike in Big Hill Springs.

(Evan, Robin and my dad playing on a mini waterfall. I think Abby is in there somewhere too. )

(Robin, myself and my mom :)

(Another of the bubbling springs that gives the location its name)

(One of the well rooted paths. I like.)

(Robin. My beautiful younger sister.)

(mmm...a pine path we walked.)

(As I was standing on this cliff looking at the larger trees that grow close to the edge, I wondered if some people are "planted" close to the edge to protect others too.)

(This is a cool little place I discovered while exploring the petrified beaver dam. Something of it kind of reminded me of the alcoves that can be found near the ocean.)

So thats my latest adventure.

2007-05-09T09:28:00.000-06:00

I'm finding it difficult to actually describe how I feel today.

It's beautiful outside and that makes me genuinely happy. I love the sunshine.

Yesterday was one of the best days I've had in a while.
I am so thankful for the friends that I have right now.
Specifically those in my small group.
They are so much fun to just joke around with and talk to, and I'm also thankful that we can also have
deeper conversations and share how we are feeling, that its not just limited to the joking around either.

Maybe happily content describes today.

I hope today finds you as such in your own way.

2007-04-29T22:14:00.000-06:00

Yesterday evening I biked out to a ridge near my house. It's a place I discovered shortly after moving here, yet for some reason I havent visited it nearly enough. The view of the mountains is amazing. I was going specifically because I had watching the sunset in mind. And once again I was not disappointed. Not by a long shot.

I love that it doesnt matter where I go, the sun sets over every horizon. I will never be without one of the things that I enjoy so much because of distance. The only thing that will change is the type of beauty thats cast before the night sky takes its place...another beautiful painting that I could marvel for hours.

It reminds me of many star dazzled sky's that I've lain under. Some with a friend or two, others were simply myself and my thoughts. All beautiful in their own ways. Many unforgettable.

2007-04-21T20:54:00.000-06:00

I feel like maybe I made a mistake.
Like maybe God was testing me and I chose to be transfixed by something I'm not used to, instead of standing up for what has been driving me crazy in the back of my mind all day.
I feel responsible for the people that were around me, though I know I cant really be...but the fact that I'm glad that some of my other friends were unable to come lastnight...doesnt that tell me all I need to know?

Though I spent time with God lastnight when I got home, and felt strongly to pray for everyone that was there too...I'm still sorry.
Part of me feels so confused because it doesnt seem to bother other people at all. But I'll stick with what I'm being told.

I apologize to those that I didnt....I dont know... .. . I feel like I let you down. and I'm sorry.

2007-04-19T12:41:00.001-06:00

I miss small children.

Yesterday I spent eleven hours in the world of two adorable young ones. One is at the stage of imitation and making cute attempts at communicating with words, while acting out situations with small figurines. The other discovers everything and must lead you, teaching you all about it during every step.
Just watching them is amazing. Following the new eyes as they meet new things that I dont give a second glance to any more. I havent talked so much about so little in a very long time. But in some ways my day hasnt been so productive like that in a long time as well!
I tried to imagine what it would be like if they were my own...could there be anything more important then teaching them and allowing them to, in turn, teach you..?

Children are blessings.

...everything is new to them...the world is so mysterious...they havent been tarnished by lifes burdens yet,
havent decided that everything worth knowing has already been learned and disregarded...

Can you imagine what it would be like to look at the world with that kind of brilliance again...? Nothing can really disappoint, because you dont really expect anything but to learn, and how can learning disappoint.
There is nothing that can really stop it from taking place anyway.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Today my heart is heavy.

There are times when I wish that some of my past friendships hadnt ended, or been stretched thinner then I would like...but rarely do I feel this way when the friendship is still living. It's not that its thinning, but that its changing. Or maybe its me that's changing what I wanted it to be like...I'm not entirely sure yet.
It's the kind of friendship that life cant come in-between, but I know my hopes can....I dont want to hold out for something that just doesnt exist. There is absolutely no point for me to, and as far as I can see, it's only going to hurt myself.
There was nothing. But there was a glimmer, and some how it was enough that to warrant spending my nights starring up at an expectant sky, just for the chance of to see it again.

I'm crazy...

I must be, for cant you only go insane once..?

2007-04-12T10:24:00.000-06:00

Pent up wings.

Foreign eyes return with stories and pictures I can only dream.
A form of simplicity beckons me to walk with only a memory of roots.

There will be a day sometime soon that my shoes will wear thin of foreign ground.
I dont want to hollow my eyes with the missing, but the plight of the lost is a call
I can't ignore.

Their voices ride on the wind.
A distance they couldnt travel on their own.

...my words end here. The story is just beginning.

2007-03-28T12:03:00.000-06:00

"face down in the dirt, she says this doesn't hurt, she said i've finally had enough"

It's a line from a song I was introduced to recently by a friend of mine.
Although the song in itself actually has nothing to do with how I'm feeling at all, this one
line has taken on a meaning of its own to me.

There are some things that I have to allow God to change...

Theres more to life then just living.

2007-03-22T10:17:00.000-06:00

It's a lonely day. The kind where I just feel isolated from familiar people.
But maybe thats because I haven't actually been social since monday....yep, probably.
Not many would guess this about me, since I appear so tranquil and quiet...I'm quite socially reliant.
I get energy both from others and get drained by them...its kind of hard to explain.
Being an introverted personality, I need time just by myself. But if I spend too much time without other people to interact with, I start to go a little....claustrophobic..?

Honestly I'm looking forward to getting a job in the summer.
I like spending time with my family, but spending so much time at home gives me a crazy pent up feeling. While part of me says 'enjoy it while it lasts, for it wont last forever'.

On a beautiful day like today, I find myself daydreaming of a long stretch of highway, my own car and an i-pod hookup.
mmm...happiness... :)

2007-03-06T13:54:00.000-07:00

This morning I joined my family in going to listen to the Calgary Philharmonic Orchestra.
Such an amazing sound...on more then one occasion closing your eyes gives the sound an almost otherworldly
quality. But one tone catches my attention above all others, and it makes me so sorry that I strayed from my fiddle.
It gave my joy...and leaving it unused has tugged at me often.
The lacquered treasure rests in its black case, D string-less, but otherwise, waiting.
The question is...

...what am I waiting for?

2007-02-28T14:18:00.000-07:00

A fortress by the sea, seems like I've been
building far into eternity.

My hands bleed, but this project has stolen
my focus entirely.

Tears of frustration meet the ocean
while the tide rises around me.

The foundation will fail...
unable to stand.

The strength I gave it cannot withstand,
I thought I had built it beyond reach of the waves.

Oh, when will I learn...there is no such place.

Crumbling walls, my dreams fall apart, melt and return,
their structure departs.

But no dream like that should ever stand,
not one built with my own bleeding hands.

This gentle erosion has set me free,
my tired eyes can now wonder over the expanse of the sea.

And wonder,
have they ever held something of such beauty...

It seems just walking so close has the ability to heal,
why would I do anything to replace how I feel?!

My eye soon catches the sands beckoning nature,
and on my knees I'll trace patterns with pleasure.

Such a simple thing,
but thats its false beginning.

Next will come the shallow ring of sand,
then a small cut on the palm of my hand.

...the oceans tide flows on forever,
thank you God for ceasing never.

***************************************************************

( I apologize for the mix-matched structure of this, but it wasnt really
meant to be a poem. I wrote it during small group, so my mind was
distracted on many occasions.
I like leaving my writing without explanation on most cases so that the
reader can maybe relate easier.

But by way of an explanation of this one: the "fortress" are plans I tend to make
and get wrapped up in without God's approval. The "tide" is God's grace setting
me free from my own mess by collapsing them beyond salvageability.
For a while I experience freedom and wonder how I could ever have lived apart
from it. But before I know it I'm playing with ideas again in the sand, my
self-inflicted pain forgotten.
The last few lines werent satisfactory to me...but my picture was the the seemingly
innocent beginnings of a new foundation, and the pain newly beginning but unnoticed
by the focus already being given to the new project.

I guess it was born of frustrating thoughts. An exaggeration, but how I cant seem to
stop playing in the sand, even after having my breath taken away by a glimpse of
the vastness of God's power and beauty.

A part I didnt add was that the closer I am to the water, the closer to
the water I tend to build, and the sooner the waves destroy it.
Something I'll add here because of its importance.

Truly, my heart yearns for me to be in the water. So deep in that its impossible to
build anything of my own. )

2007-02-26T10:55:00.000-07:00

Silence can be defining or beautiful...

This weekend was really good in so many ways...
hmm...its funny how some things "good" arent easy or comfortable at all sometimes, yet
they can still be placed under the definition of "good"...
but my typing will end here...because there are times when a quill pen leaves so much
to be desired of a cold keyboard.

I like sharing, so if your curious I'll tell you about it sometime...

may God continue to bless you richly.

2007-02-22T11:40:00.001-07:00

~"For the word of God is living and active, Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to the division of soul and spirit, of joints and marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.

And no creature is hidden from his sight, but all are naked and exposed to the eyes of him to whom we must give account."~

Hebrews 4:12-13

2007-02-21T11:05:00.000-07:00

Sometimes words are too weak or lifeless...
Do you ever find that..?

...or maybe its just me...

Theres always a point I want to reach, a final destination thats only worth
anything really if I can take you with me.

Maybe its because I think in pictures, and after all what good are words in such
a descriptive place...it would be like stating the obvious.
Yet for the sake of verbal communication, my way of thinking lacks a connection.
In fact, in some ways its flawed.

"can you see it? this picture in my mind?!...this one! right here! I'll try to and
project it through my eyes like little theaters...
...no? ahhh...."

Perhaps if you saw my world then you would understand why words are so
futile.

....silly girl, you dont have a world all your own!

Of course not. But thats a metaphor commonly used to explain the human mind as a secluded dome of self-expression.
Thus I use it here, because I have heard it before used poetically and like the way it sounds, and because, as I mentioned before, words are limited and that comes close enough to my meaning.

Well if it comes "close enough" then why does this frustrate you?

Because I dont want "close enough" I want you to know what I'm talking about without having to fill in the
blanks or draw your own conclusions.

...mainly, I dont want to be misunderstood.

You know as well as I the hurt or trouble words have caused when they wernt right, you were there too...
and trying to take them back is impossible.

...or trying to explain something and the wrong words only confuse people...

I see...

...is this why your so quiet all the time..?

sometimes.
But I am also quiet by nature, just ask my mother.
Please dont think I'm scared, thats not it.

....only another misunderstanding.

2007-02-20T12:29:00.000-07:00

Tiny grass has a life. walk carefully.
------------------------------

I'm going to Edmonton this coming weekend! and I am stoked.
So many aspects of weekend are exciting to me!

Getting to see friends I havent seen in a while...a car ride up with people whose company I enjoy...
going to one of the largest concentrations of missions organizations...even just getting out and spending time somewhere different for a while will be refreshing for my mind!

Honestly, I wish that I was spending more then just over two days there.
For the past year the thought of moving to Edmonton and working at some coffee shop or cafe has been floating
around in my mind. I suppose at this point its one of my more realistic options for the near future...then going with
a friend of mine to Greece and living there for 4-6 months...backpacking somewhere...
all ideas I plan to live out, but the timing will remain fuzzy for now.

It seems like it doesnt matter where I go, I'll be leaving some friend that I'll miss...
But missing someone is one thing, knowing that as time goes on the bonds you had with them are beginning to fray...
thats something quite different.
I suppose thats the way its meant to be. Most friends cant be kept forever. Perhaps then new ones wouldnt be made.

Friends are such a special gift.
Like a butterfly. To free to think they are yours.
You spend a while together giving you a new appreciation for beauty, then part ways,
leaving you their colors to weave your memory while you ride the cold gray c-train.
Sometimes. yes.

But thats enough thought on old friends for today.
Because there are some butterflies that my heart enjoyed too much for the
parting to be only sweet.

Thats what makes it so special.
If every parting was sweet then why would the time mean anything at all.

2007-02-17T10:31:00.000-07:00

Sunlight, another day has come without consent

a bend in my mind

and I'll try to figure out where it went

the fragile skin is wearing thin

yet it wont give sway to where it's been

the secrets of its trail it alone will keep

while my eyes attempt to imitate sleep

long roads under the illuminated sight

I have been one acquainted with the night

what are you looking for...?

you know as well as I, here it will not be found

though your bare feet trace over this barren ground

close your eyes, drift back my weary friend

allow this place to fade and pointless wonderings to end

theres so much to mend that isnt yours

thats what you seek in darkened doors

come home and rest in the bed been made for you

and meet the day with a spirit renewed

2007-02-14T09:46:00.000-07:00

An excerpt from a journal nearly full...

"what is life that I can make it so complicated...?

There are parts of it that I dont understand, parts I dont want to understand,
and parts I think I understand too well only to be shown the error of my ways."

Is life really all that complex...?

"Hearing that Jesus has silenced the Sadducees, the Pharisees got together.
One of them, an expert in the law, tested him with this question: 'Teacher, which is the greatest
commandment in the Law?'
Jesus replied:" 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.'
This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'
All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."

Sometimes I forget the basics.

2007-02-08T12:00:00.000-07:00

Hospital adventures...

Coming to visit a friend, but finding that I had a little extra time, I walked around the little gift shop they have in there.
A quaint little store with a cute name, Emily's Window.
At one point I backed up to let a lady pass. My backpack got snagged on something, but it let me go pretty easily so I didnt think much of it.
Later on I got in the elevater. Somewhere between Main and fourth floor I heard a loud clank. Curiosity took over and I looked around to find the source of the noise. With the help of the older man next to me who kindly stated "I think you dropped that", I located the rather large piece of metal that had made the clank. Upon further examination I learnt it was one of those removable hooks that hold merchindise on store walls.
In fact, one of the merchindise was still perched, along for the ride.
A metal moose in mid-trot with a langth of ribbon stemming from its hoves, the whole thing in a neat clear plastic cover. $9.99.
I had stollen something from Emily's Window!? oh no!
Shoot, what do I do? well return it of course! It was a simple missunderstanding, in fact I hadnt even stolen it, wasnt my backpack technichly the guilty party here??
Although, if the person I have to explain this misunderstanding to is anything like my elderly elevator buddy... the older man, was burning me with lasers he was shooting out of the corner of his eyes....he seemed both convinsed that I was some unruly youth with a bad hand at thevery, and that his glare might well bore into my consiousness and make me turn from my evil ways...either way he was punishing me in his own way, he would see justice served out today.
Possably reinforsed by my imedaite return to the main floor...maybe I could make it back to the store before armed men dropped from the celling, dog-pilling me and yelling "twenty-four nineteen!! twenty-four nineteen!!"...

Forcing myself to walk slower then I wanted to, I walked up to the old lady at the cash counter of Emily's Window and explained the whole thing. Then handing the bookmark with its hook over the counter I waited as she took it back...wondering in her silence if I would have to appologise to Emily herself.
The little old lady chuckled and said "oh thats fine dear" with a cute little smile.

And that was it! with those words she let me go, and allowed my conscience to do the same.
I wonder if my relief was as visible as it felt, along with my gratitude for her understanding.

*Thank God for kind little old ladies and adventures that make life interesting.*

2007-02-05T12:34:00.000-07:00

Why is it that Christians have a habit of coming across sickeningly sweet to the world..?
Sweet or only partially devoted and not serious about their beliefs, giving the word "Christian"
a bitter taste.

Its curious to me that a nonbeliever can have a clearer view of this world and the seriousness
of our situation then a believer can.
Its as if we start to use rose colored glasses, and look at everything in a disconnected way. Like
realizing we dont belong to this world gives us enough to become distant from it...

Im not being disrespectful to Christianity, I just dont want to become the kind that overdose those
around me to the point that it turns them off entirely to it.
Christians are suppose to be intoxicating in a way that should make others want to follow
by example.

I think full devotion provides more answers then we ever give it credit for.

The thought of being a lukewarm Christian makes me feel sick, but burning those around me
could be so detrimental...on fire to provide light, that is what we are called to.
A passion for Christ that makes it identifiable to everyone, no matter previous beliefs
or present stand on life.

I have so much to learn.
But there is so much I want to be taught.

2007-01-25T22:15:00.000-07:00

2007-01-18T09:18:00.000-07:00

One year older and closer to DEATH!
Funny what a double meaning that song can hold...its meant to be daunting, your turning one year older, and thus one year closer to the grave..mwahaha, happy birthday! But what if you dont fear death? and you believe in God? Then it could almost be a happy ending.

In remembrance of year 18, I spent a half hour or so today reminiscing some of the things that made this year memorable.

Times that were hard but good...
~like being asked to give my testimony to a youth group of young adults while on a missions trip in Quebec this summer. Being so convinced that I wouldn’t be able to do it, and feeling so scared to try, but going through with it, and the amazing time I had with God as we drove back that night.
~admitting that I cant help some people, and there are some things I’m not supposed to fix, but committing them to God instead.
~being broken before being used by God.

Times that I never want to forget...
~sitting on the dock at camp with a friend, freezing but wishing that we could sit there all night and just talk.
~standing outside in the rain while it poured and being completely drenched puddle-jumping with friends until the lightning flashed so close we ran inside laughing.
~the gift of a growing friendship, I feel blessed to have.
~standing on a mountain admiring a breathtaking view before strapping on my board in some of the best snow conditions.
~explaining God's love to a beautiful little girl and being there to hear her prayer of exception.
~sitting in the living room on Christmas eve with my family all together around the tree and feeling utterly blessed in life.
~multiple good conversations with many awesome people.
~working alongside my dad as I help him renovate the basement.

So many memories. so many adventures.
So 19…

…what shall we do together...?

2007-01-13T18:30:00.000-07:00

It can be eye-opening to realize that you've created your own little habitat, like the inside a bubble...especially when the realization comes after seeing what is outside of it.
Being given a glimpse of the unsettlement and anger that exist in parts of this world is both heart-wrenching to me, and a serious reminder of all I have to be grateful for...

*Safety

*Family

*Friends

*Opportunities

*Provision

Being able to simply sleep in peace

Not having to worry about my family or friends when they leave my sight

It breaks my heart to see the pain and suffering that we can put our own people through, and it makes me sick when I see the cruelty that can be carried out with seemingly little to no conscience or feelings of remorse.
The sin through humans darker abilities is sickening...

It makes me want to do something, anything, there's so much hurt...so much that needs to be healed...so many to protect...so many that just need someone to care...

...I care...but may action come of this God, not only feelings...

2007-01-10T12:35:00.000-07:00

Dearest friend,

Maybe it was a quiet recognition, trust with a decision to take a risk
and test the strength of my sincerity.
It seems I am invisible to those that do not need me, yet valued to those that
do. From my heart, I'm glad you can see me, for living would be less enjoyable
without you.

Perhaps my words are not as eloquent as a poets or as beautifully written as a
scholars hand can create, but these words come from my heart as best as I can
portray, for now. You understand, so its alright.

Your laughter framed,
how the memories I have kept to brighten days the sun hides.
Such joy. Unforgettably captured in luminescent jars like fireflies.

There was a day I saw pain in your eyes, a pain I couldnt reach...
and I felt my heart brake for I could not make it better.
A place we couldnt go together...but a place I didnt want you to go alone.

I wait, until you return, or I find a way to cast beyond the boundary...
for you see, I am unable to simply walk away and forget.
Only by your word would I leave.

Until then.
sincerely,
me.

2007-01-03T13:44:00.000-07:00

2006, rest in peace.

Seems like this is the week for reminiscing the late year...

looking back and having all the dark spots stand out crudely,
as if mocking at the attempt, drawing attention from the happiness.
So we find solace in this new year.
Putting hope in a new beginning. A fresh start.
We will stand convinced that it will be different this time. So we make a list.
Lest we forget the oath of perfection we're making...

But why now?
Did life suddenly hit "restart" and I missed it...?

I remember something like that happening once.
O n c e F o r A l l . . .

Is it so hard to look back and see the good...
all the times you never want to forget...?

The dark spots are there as reminders. No I shouldnt be blind,
but if I write off yesterday what makes tomorrow any different?
.........................................................

This isnt an attempt at being negative or condescending.
I feel the burst of new years enthusiasm like most do,
I guess its that I dont understand how some people can look with
such distain at last year, as if it gave them nothing but pain and trial..
while putting all faith in this year, and that its going to be wonderful.

seems like such a deception...
a cycle that can only be broken by...God's peace...contentment...

I'm not entirely sure. I'm learning myself you see...

2006-12-02T12:13:00.000-07:00

*contentment*

I woke up this morning at 9.
A warm gradual surfacing from rest for no other reason then
simply because my mind and body were ready, with absolutely no help of a rude jolt from my alarm clock.
Lying there in the sunshine, perfect comfort resounding. My state of mind welcomed a silent
conversation.
Pure contentment and joy... can I help but smile...?
...the words in my heart, warmth to overflow. Escaping in the form of a giggle as I
take one last dive under.

the stage of my day has been set in perfect harmony.

a thought crosses my mind...is there one that would enjoy the same
small things that bring me such joy..?

2006-11-27T11:24:00.000-07:00

It's times like this that I wish I could call myself out of the game...send myself
to the bench and just...what?...rest? but I couldnt, not with the knowledge that the game continues on without me...

One of those times that I know I've fallen short of what was expected, just wishing
you would give up on me too...but you know me better then that, you know I havent
completely given up. The same way you know there's still the strength in me for another
round, before I'm done...before I'm ready.
So you will remain. Willing me to stand again where my own frailty has sent me to
my knees.
And because you love me I will. Because you have never forsaken me I will find
the strangth.
Becasue you have seen something worth not giving up on, I will trust you.

Wearing thin...but willing to loose it all for you.

2006-11-15T11:18:00.000-07:00

2006-10-08T13:59:00.000-06:00

.*some things never fade*.